In the last two weeks, we’ve had a couple thefts…

THEFT #1:  Last week, we ordered Domino’s Pizza.  It was half pepperoni and mushroom (my half) and half sausage and jalepenos (Jes’ half).  I ate two slices and Jes ate three.  The next morning, I went downstairs to pack a slice for lunch and discovered only one slice of sausage and jalepeno left.  I thought, “D00d, fatty…didn’t even leave me a slice of the pepperoni and mushroom!”  In the afternoon, I came home from work and confronted Jes about his late-night snacking.  Apparently, he had gone downstairs that night for a late-night snack and found the box of cinnamon breadsticks upside-down on the floor and one slice of sausage and jalepeno in the pizza box.  We compared stories with the usual “I didn’t eat it, I thought you did” and realized that neither of us ate the remaining two pepperoni slices.  IT WAS THE DOG!!  He managed to climb up onto the dining table, eat the two slices, leave the one remaining slice in the box, and close the box!  We were duped.  It was obviously too late to punish the sneaky dog and all we could do was shake our fists at him and say, “sneaky dog!!”

THEFT #2:  This evening, Jes prepared the two remaining steaks from our BBQ on Saturday.  We ate only the equivalent of one steak with parts of the remaining steak (fat and scraps) in Koa’s bowl and the other part on the foil, on the plate, on the kitchen island.  Two hours after dinner, I went downstairs for a drink and discovered the foil on the floor completely cleaned off.  There was no steak in sight.  All I found was the foil and a dog under the dining table licking his lips.  HE ATE THE STEAK!  The steak was way too high for him to reach and if he could, we’d expect him to knock the plate down with the steak and foil.  But no, he’s too sneaky for that and now we’re standing around scratching our heads and shaking our fists at the dog once more.

*sigh*  Dog is smart.

On Thursday night we had some roasted chicken, brown rice, and some steamed veggies. I must say it was rather tasty for a potentially cardboard/styrofoam-tasting dinner. Afterwards, I thought I’d give the dog a little treat and gave him a few pieces of chicken breast and mixed in some brown rice. He gobbled it up along with the kibble that was underneath it. The next morning, I got up, walked the dog, and went to work as I usually do.

At around 11:30 in the morning, I got a call on my work phone from a flustered and frustrated guy on the other end. It was the husband and he was not happy. All I heard was “I need your help. There’s shit everywhere.” I thought, “Uh oh…what happened?” As I drove home, I was hoping that he was just exaggerating as he sometimes does but I was sooo wrong.

There was a very unpleasant odor coming from upstairs and the bathroom fan was on. Jes had left to get a Rug Doctor so I inspected the house. There was a pile on the floor in the guest bathroom (half on the bamboo floor and half on the rug). There was nothing in the guest bedroom and nothing in our bedroom. So far so good. Then I looked in the office and it looked like a brown slime monster had a party and then exploded in that room. I counted FIVE huge splatters of crap on the carpet. Some of it got on my Crumpler bag and some got on the closet door. It was disgusting. I quickly put on some gloves and cleaned up what I could with a roll of paper towels. When Jes came back, he steam cleaned the spots and it was all good again. The smell even went away once the carpet dried. Thank goodness for StainMaster carpet!!

I hurried back to work to finish up my appointments and all was better. When I got home, I found Jes in the livingroom with his laptop with a funny look on his face. He was clearly traumatized from the whole experience. I laughed and asked why he was still so worked up about it but he didn’t think it was very funny. I guess his side of the story was a little too traumatic.

Here’s what happened: He got up, brushed his teeth, and went to the office to check his email as he always does. A couple seconds after sitting down, he noticed a horrible smell. He looked around and found that he was surrounded by crap. After cleaning up the whole mess, he moved his laptop downstairs and got back to work. A few seconds after settling in, he again smelled something horrible. He looked around and found one more pile in the corner next to him! It was like the Easter Egg Hunt from hell! So I can see why he didn’t think this was as funny as I thought it was.

At the end of the day, I re-learned two things that I already knew:

1) Don’t give dogs human food. I actually knew that and have actually been pretty good about it ever since he was a pup. I just didn’t think that ordinary brown rice with no seasoning and chicken meat with no sauce or seasonings would hurt him. *sigh* Yes, I’m an idiot. Poor dog probably got most of the punishment while it was my fault all along.

2) Buy stain-resistant carpet. We purposely did for this reason but didn’t think we’d actually need it this bad.

THE END